Excerpt: 'Mending the Broken Bond'
The psychologist behind the "Dr. Phil Show" has a new book of parenting advice.
Sept. 13, 2007 — -- Frank Lawlis, a clinical psychologist, is the chief content adviser for the "Dr. Phil Show" -- he's the Dr. Phil behind Dr. Phil, if you will.
In his new book, "Mending the Broken Bond: The 90 Day Answer to Developing a Loving Relationship with Your Child," Lawlis says that love is the most basic skill it takes to become a good parent, but psychologists haven't paid enough attention to it.
Showing your child love may sound simple enough, but Lawlis says that parents often send conflicting signals to their kids through their actions, nonverbal cues, body language and even their breathing.
The book also lays out a list of Seven Parental Communication Mistakes and how parents can fix those mistakes.
Lawlis says the most important message he'd like people to take away from the book is that parents often sabotage themselves by giving in to the "self-esteem" needs of their kids. Positive attention, including giving too many gifts and overindulging kids, can be just as harmful as negative attention, he says.
You can read part of the first chapter below and take a true-false quiz about how you view parenting.
Understanding the Bonds of Love
Johanna and Frank came into the clinic in a last desperate effort tofind some way to manage their misbehaving ten-year-old, Frank Jr.Their complaints were typical. Although they gave him everythinghe wanted, it was never enough. Their son yelled in anger and complainedthat his older sister got more attention and respect. But hecould be very charming at times, especially when he wanted something --only to then fly into a rage without provocation.
This kind of behavior can seem like simple lack of parental controlat first impression. But such hostility also can be a plea for loveand for closer family bonds. That was the case with Frank Jr. Bysimply giving in to his demands, his parents were sending a messagethat the boy perceived as: "We don't like you and we know it andfeel ashamed, so we will pay you off with presents."
How do I know this? Because Frank Jr. told me. He was devastatedevery time they gave in. He felt that he had a huge burden tobear because his name was "Jr." He said he knew he could neverlive up to expectations, so why bother trying? He'd developed theview that his older sister, Angela, was the favored child; she was thenice one, the good kid who always did the right thing. Under strainslike these, the bond he had once had with his parents had snappedand they were at the end of their rope.
Frank Jr. and his parents learned how to develop a bond of lovefollowing the methods I will describe in this book. This is not to saythat he became the model child, but he did learn to trust that hisparents loved him and that they were always acting out of love andconcern. For him, this was a big step in the right direction.
Children who lash out can take parents to the edge. There areplenty of professionals and nonprofessionals willing to tag themwith labels and drug them with medications to give parents relief.But at least 90 percent of these "worst cases" are actually just normalkids desperately looking for love and understanding. Rarely doI see parents who do not love their children. Most will fight to thegrave for them, but many parents are in desperate need of ways todevelop bonds of love and understanding with their children.
Do you sometimes feel that your children treat you more like aservant than a respected parent? Do your kids feel entitled to thingsthat you consider privileges? Do they get angrier and unhappiereven as you give them more and more? Does your relationship withyour children seem to be in a downward spiral?Has the fun gone out of parenthood? Do you fear that you andyour children will never form a bond?
You are not alone in such feelings. Thousands of parents haveshared these and other frustrations with me in my many years as afamily counselor. I understand how it hurts parents to give and giveof themselves and get nothing but disrespect and rebellion in return.
In the survey of 20,000 parents conducted for Dr. Phil McGraw'sbook "Family First," I was surprised by the extent of the fears andconcerns expressed in a survey of parents who responded to someitems on his Web site. Seventy-five percent of these mothers andfathers expressed fear and resentment over the demands of parenthood.Many said they felt their children did not love them. They feltlike they were only serving as caretakers to ungrateful, selfishdependants. Other studies have found similar results, which led meto the conclusion that great numbers of men and women in thiscountry feel unappreciated, uncomfortable, and disappointed intheir roles as parents.
Parental disillusionment escalates to alarm and fear with the firstcall from the principal or the police department. Parents panic whenthey sense they are losing control. It can be overwhelming andfrightening to watch a once-loving child transform into a spiteful,self-destructive monster.
These conflicts between parents and children occur in everyneighborhood in every town on every day. The irony, of course, isthat love is at the center of every one of these raging parent-childbattles.
We all want to be loved. We all want to give love. Yet that basicpowerful human need is blocked by the walls of silence, anger,resentment, and frustration that go up between warring parents andtheir children.
This book is designed to bring down the walls and to restore thetwo-way flow of love between parents and children. My promise isto provide you with the tools to do that. But understand that thetask of reaching out cannot begin until you first look within: to loveand accept others, you must first love and accept yourself. This maysound scary, especially at this early stage. But I have been throughthis restorative process with hundreds of brave parents, and I havelearned that it is never too late to learn how to love and to be lovedagain.
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Pop -- and Mom -- Quiz
This book is designed to heal and rebuild parent-and-child relationshipsby working with both sides for the benefit of all parties.National divorce rates of more than 50 percent make it clear thatthere are many adults who lack the ability to form lasting relationships.Those who have never experienced loving parental relationshipswill be given the tools and direction they need to recover andbecome loving, caring, and involved with their children. Both sidesmust step up and face reality to heal the parent-child relationship.
This is a warm-up exercise to give you some insights into whatworks and what doesn't and what is true and what is not in thetumultuous world of parents and their young.
Parents, you're up first. (Age, as they say, before beauty.) Thistest will offer you some insights into what is true and what is mythin regard to the parent-child relationship.
Please answer the following statements as true (T) or false (F):
1. The parental goal should be to make children happy.
T F
2. Television directly affects the emotional responses of a child.
T F
3. Cooking for your children creates emotional bonds with them.
T F
4. Your child will resent it if you set goals and demand theybe met.
T F
5. Listening to music together may create bonds between youand your child.
T F
6. Some medications inhibit loving behavior from a child.
T F
7. Allowing your child to vent anger will prevent hostilebehavior later.
T F
8. Parents often use the same child-rearing methods used bytheir mothers and fathers, even if they think they were ineffective.
T F
9. Children give love when all their needs are met.
T F
10. Your child can feel loved and comforted simply by hearingyour breathing patterns.
T F
11. A child's ability to love or be loved is determined by thephysical health of the brain.
T F
12. Trying to reason with a child during a temper tantrum mayonly encourage bad behavior.
T F
13. To offer compliments or money for good behavior is likerewarding the child for something that should have beendone anyway.
T F
14. Teens are in transition from childhood to adulthood andshould be given freedom to experience life so they willmature more quickly.
T F
15. Teens act out because their brains are rewiring.
T F
T F
17. Children should be allowed to "cry it out" when they arethrowing a tantrum or making a fuss.
T F
18. Postpartum depression can result in a failure to bond formother and child that can cause long-term problems unlessaddressed.
T F
19. Corporal punishment is an effective way of teaching childrento respect parents.
T F
20. A permissive parenting style encourages children to lovethemselves.
T F
Scoring
1. The parental goal should be to make children happy.
False. Children learn more quickly and feel more empathy forothers when they've had to deal with disappointments and othernot-so-happy circumstances. When my children tell me they arebored, I rejoice because I know they will learn to be creative. WhenI hear my children complain about being treated unfairly, I knowthere is an opportunity to develop empathy and sensitivity in them.Although it is not a scientific finding, experience suggests that childrenshould be unhappy at least 25 percent of the time. I'm not suggestingthat you set out to make their lives miserable 25 percent ofthe time. Life will take care of that on its own, believe me. Your jobis to help them learn something positive even from negative experiences.Parents often move too quickly to solve problems for childrenbecause they do not want their darlings to suffer. That isunderstandable. I've been guilty of it myself. But you won't alwaysbe there to solve their problems. You need to let them develop skillsand self-confidence, so they can handle challenges on their own andfind ways to comfort themselves without Mommy or Daddy comingto the rescue every time.
2. Television directly affects the emotional responses of a child.
True. Every parent has witnessed this during television commercialswhen their kids jump up and begin reenacting the battles oftheir superheroes. Studies have confirmed that children mimic boththe emotions and actions of characters on their television shows. Ifyour kids constantly view young actors being aggressive and hostiletoward their television parents, you can be darn sure the realityshow will soon be acted out at your house. A child's ability to discriminatebetween life and fantasy is hazy at best. Young childrenare still seeking ways to interact with the world around them.
Often, they perceive television as a mirror of their world, so theymimic the actions and emotions of actors just as they pick up"moves" by watching their favorite athletes perform on television.I remember a certain seven-year-old who spent most of his timetrying to kick me because he was an avid fan of the "Teenage MutantNinja Turtles" cartoon show, in which the shelled heroes kicked thestuffing out of the bad guys. I had to give the boy a reality check bymaking boundaries clear before my shins were shredded. He had tolearn that striking out at authority figures is wrong, because thatsort of behavior will have serious repercussions in adulthood. Still,it is possible for kids to pick up desirable behaviors from the boobtube too. Some television shows, such as "Sesame Street," and evencertain cartoons, offer polite and thoughtful characters who worktogether well and do honorable things. Parents should take theopportunity to offer those performers as good examples to follow.
3. Cooking for your children creates emotional bonds withthem.
True. Preparing and providing meals for your child can be abonding experience. You provide a very basic need -- food -- whilealso taking part in the ritual of eating and sharing information in arelaxed setting. Fast-food companies get this, and their ability tocapitalize on the strong loyalty of young customers has fattenedboth their financial statements and our children. The bonds formedbetween children and their food sources are indeed powerful. Studiesof baby monkeys have found that when frightened, they go run-ning instinctively to their milk source -- even if it is a contraptionmade of wire. Some quantum physicists have theorized (it is whatthey do, after all) that when a parent prepares a child's food, themolecules and atoms perform in different ways than when it is preparedby machines. The theory holds that these molecular differenceselicit more pleasurable sensations for the child than thosefound even in a Quarter Pounder with cheese and super-sized fries.
4. Your child will resent it if you set goals and demand theybe met.
False. The key here is to set realistic goals. When parents givetheir children attainable goals, it sends the message that you havefaith in their abilities to achieve those goals -- a huge confidencebooster! When my high school football coach, Mr. Hinson, told methat I should be able to make the varsity football team by my sophomoreyear, I first thought he was crazy. But because he believed inme, I came to believe in myself. I've always been grateful that CoachHinson believed in me at a time when it seemed no one else did.Be warned, however, that this process can get tricky. You need toset realistic goals, but they must also be challenging enough to serveas motivation and inspiration. The parent must have a good grasp ofthe child's abilities and limitations. If your daughter thinks shoppingis exercise, you can't demand that she run a five-minute mile. Let yourchild know that you want her to succeed, and chances are, she will.
5. Listening to music together may create bonds between youand your child.
True. Your musical tastes will surely differ, but if you are open tofinding songs that you both enjoy, the music can bring you closertogether. The rhythms of music have an impact on our brains andour emotions, and music acts as a binding force. We see it in everyculture and community. It draws us together in church, in antiwardemonstrations, in military ceremonies, at weddings, and in funeralservices. Your children will remember that you sang to them duringthose intimate hours, and remember the songs you sang together oncar trips. I know of a father and a teen son who often clash, butthey've found peace when listening together to Dave Matthews orMiles Davis. You may bristle at your teen's hip-hop tunes. Your teenmay snarl at your country collection. But somewhere between WillieNelson and LL Cool J there is a healing place, a common ground.
6. Some medications inhibit loving behavior from a child.
True. Medications, especially psychotropic medications, cancause drowsiness or hyperactivity. They can dull your child's emotions,and block empathy and impulse control. When a child isplaced on medication, the child's mental, emotional, and socialdevelopment can often be stunted. Special counseling and tutoringoften is required; otherwise the child might express frustration byfighting or acting out in another way.
One of my patients, Travis, was five years old when a physicianput him on a strong medication as the result of what appears to be amistaken ADD diagnosis. During the five years he was on the medicine,Travis said he often felt "out of it." I believe the medicationstunted his physical and emotional growth, and as a result he wasviciously bullied. Even after being taken off the medication at theage of ten, he was emotionally immature. Once he hit puberty, hegrew bigger than most of his peers, but then he became a bullybecause he was still locked into a child's mindset. Travis was expelledthree times from junior high and high school. Later, he lostfour jobs. He was very much a lost soul when I began treating him,but with coaching and counseling, he got it together. Travis is nowwell adjusted and serving as an officer in the U.S. Navy.
Step one: Without anger or disapproval, explain that the childhas done something wrong.
Step two: Explain two or three alternative ways of behaving thatearn your approval, and could serve the same purpose ormeet a goal.
Step three: Give approval and praise when the child tries to usethe more positive behavior.
This more constructive approach will strengthen the bond betweenchild and parent and help focus on the supportive basis of arelationship. It gives the child training in positive behavior insteadof leaving her guessing what to do.
14. Teens are in transition from childhood to adulthood andshould be given freedom to experience life so they will mature morequickly.
False. Teens can't handle too much freedom for the simple, scientificreason that their bodies and brains are undergoing significantchanges that render them incapable of evaluating risk and futureconsequences. Their judgment is impaired. They should be heldresponsible for their behavior, but you can't give them too muchresponsibility. They need guidance and patience and love. They arenot on a straight path to maturity. They've hit a detour.
15. Teens act out because their brains are rewiring.
True. As the adolescent begins the process of entering earlyadulthood, his brain begins a pruning process in which some connectionsare lost, and others are made. Up to the teenage years, theirbrains are in an expansion mode, and they can learn at a miraculousrate. But as they hit puberty, their brains begin to specialize. This rewiringresults in reduced judgment and an inability to weigh futureconsequences. Those abilities are restored once the rewiring processis completed, but it can take a couple of years. Any trauma or drugabuse can extend the loss of judgment for years and even a lifetime.
16. Too many Christmas gifts can cause anxiety and insecurityin children.
True. Parents enjoy giving gifts to their children, but when giftgiving becomes about quantity rather than quality, a child canbecome confused and anxious. Too many gifts can leave a childoverwhelmed. This is especially true when a gift has special significancefor a parent or family member, and they expect a certainresponse from the child. Most children have a hard time living up tosuch expectations. And it is very difficult for them to show the sameappreciation for six or seven presents. It leads to frustration andanxiety. When a child appears to favor one gift and ignores others,it is simply a coping mechanism. Interestingly, as children mature, itbecomes even more difficult for them to deal with multiple gifts.
17. Children should be allowed to "cry it out" when they arethrowing a tantrum or making a fuss.
False. Children usually cry for a reason. When they are infants,their parents often can sense intuitively whether they are hungry,cold, fearful, or simply in need of a diaper change. When their needsare met, the crying should stop. If it does not, obviously some needhas not been met.
Even the youngest children have powerful survival instincts.Infants quickly learn that crying is a means for controlling parentsand getting what they want. If you always respond to crying fromyour child by giving him food or sweets or gifts, you are only reinforcingthat controlling behavior. You need to be in control. But youalso need to learn how to evaluate why your child is crying. Childrenshould be encouraged to verbalize their reason for crying assoon as they are old enough to communicate.
18. Postpartum depression can result in a failure to bond formother and child that can cause long-term problems unless addressed.
True. The first year is extremely important to the bonding betweena child and the parent, especially the mother. However, manycircumstances can disrupt this process, including postpartum depression,family conflict, and separation. But new bonds can beformed with methods I will offer.
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